When working on a car one has ample time to think. Thinking has never been a good thing for me, as it tends to make me depressed. This was especially true today. I feel like it would be better if I couldn’t think, or at least not have the mentality to let my mind wonder into so many different places.
While I was cleaning the head block manifold of my car today, my mind started to wonder. I started to shave the small bits and pieces of the gasket off of the cylinder head and I got to thinking about Lynne. Normally this is all right. I think about what she has been up to, and I call her that night to see how she has been, we can talk for hours about nothing. But for some reason today was different. Very different.
You see, normally around this time of year, she comes into town for a few days and we get to spend an entire day together, Christmas shopping, going out to eat, catching up on the times. This year, however, she was too busy, so she came in to town for Thanksgiving, and left the same day. It made me think if I was losing her as a friend. I still consider her to be the one that got away. If only she understood the way I feel about her, if only she wasn’t so busy. If only I would have said something earlier. Now it is too late. Like sand, I tried to hold her too tightly and she slipped through my fingers, if only I would have been gentle with her.
After thinking about her I started to think about all of the other girls I have at one time loved. Laura came into my mind. She knew how I felt, but circumstances separated us. I don’t know if she feels the same way about me anymore, but I am sure she has moved on. I still see her now and again, and I want so badly to go up to her and just have a casual conversation, but I never manage to get up enough confidence to do so.
Once I thought about the people in my life who I have been separated from I got to thinking about the friends in my life now, and how I feel like I am losing them as well. I haven’t talked to Josh in a long time, and it seems as if I never talk to Joseph anymore. I have talked to Michelle lately, and I am glad I did. I still like Michelle but at the moment she wants nothing to do with relationships of any kind.
I need someone to talk to tonight. I feel like I have locked myself into a small dark room inside of my head. If I keep this up, a downward spiral is inevitable.

I want somebody to go to thinkgeek.com and buy me the shirt that says geek on the front and says /geek on the back. Please!!!

I must try to fix my car today. I have to buy a head gasket set and a thermostat. I don’t know the first thing about in workings of a car. If a car were just a big computer I would not need mechanics to work on my car, or tell me how to work on my car. Then again, if a car was just a big computer, I wouldn’t want to run windows on it.
Head Gasket set - $87
Thermostat - $2
Antifreeze - $5
Having car to drive - Priceless

The morning comes and the snow is falling, as I wake with the cold, crisp air surrounding me. The winter has always been a friend to me. I have always endured her blistering cold wind, and relentless icy rage with… I must quit writing tonight. I have to get to bed. It is late, very late indeed. I need sleep, rest so that I may work my hardest tomorrow. What am I kidding myself?

Well, yesterday was my 20^th birthday. I suppose there are many things for me to talk about since I have not posted in a couple of days. So lets start from early Sunday Morning…
Sunday
Around 1 or 2 am on Sunday morning I was getting ready to watch the Leonids. I was fixing my camera equipment, putting on warm clothes, and setting up something for me to sit in for more than an hour. I called Joseph and he decided to go with me. Not even 5 minutes after Joseph calls, Bret calls me. He wants to go too. This is great, I was going to have to go alone, and now I have two of my friends with me. So I pack all of my gear, and Bret comes over. We go to Joseph’s house to pick him up, and we make a quick run to the Wal_*Mart. From there we go down troy highway until we can not see the interference from the lights in the city. The Leonids were much more than I had expected them to be. I have gone out of my way to see 3 other meteor showers but none had even come close to this one. At one point we saw a meteor once every 5 to 10 seconds. It was incredible. I tried to get as much sleep as possible before I had to wake up and go to work that day. Work sucked that day. We were very slow and I was very bored. Not much to talk about here. Okay, so now I am out of work and I have nothing to do, as I was driving down the road to my house I saw another meteorite and decided to go see them again this night. I called my friend Michelle. I love to hang out with her. We get along quite well. I wouldn’t mind having her as a girlfriend, but she just doesn’t date. Weird I know. Anyhow, this night’s shower was not quite as eventful as the previous, however, we did see about 10 or 15 total, so it wasn’t a waste, plus I got to spend 2 hours of quality time with Michelle, something I haven’t done in a while. All in all, it was good.
Monday
Ah, my birthday. I couldn’t believe it, my dad forgot which day my birthday was on, he thought it was Tuesday, but at least he remembered it was sometime this week. Anyhow, I had to take my Mom to work to get a car to drive today, mine was still in the shop. Then I had to take my cylinder heads to the mechanic so that I could have wheels to ride on soon. Anyway, after that, I went up to AUM to meet up with my friends. We all went to El Ray. Great place, I had the portabello quesadilla. We laughed and joked around the whole time, and I had a fantastic time myself. Then we went to Erika’s place. This is when I knew it was too good. Damn Dog! Anyway, enough about that, I will have to elaborate some other time. I am sick of hearing about it. Besides that, nothing eventful happened for me today, just as usual. Next year, however, will be much different. If I am not shit-faced and fucked next year then I will have probably died before my 21^st!

I am going to try to watch the biggest meteor shower of the century. I need to learn how to set my camera up so that it will take time lapse pictures of the sky, hopefully giving me some good shots of several meteor streaks. If anybody wants to go with me, call my cell phone before 2:00am. I should be leaving by 2:00. This will give me at least 45 minutes for me to set up, and for my eyes to adjust. I am so excited.

Yes, I have opted to be the cheapest person in the world today by NOT buying Linux for my old computer, instead I am downloading Caldera Linux from an FTP server. I seriously doubt it will take that long. I bet it is just saying that because it is accessing a new directory, that always slows things down a whole lot. I am expecting this download to be done by tomorrow morning.

I have to fix my car tomorrow morning. I got my cylinder heads refinished the other day. It cost me $90. Muchos cheaper than what I thought I was going to have to pay ($180). It is times like these that I hate working. I have to work on the most notorious of days when it comes to football. Alabama vs Auburn. aka The Iron Bowl. They don’t play in Birmingham anymore, I wonder why they still call in the Iron Bowl?

I must have been right about the directory hunch. It is saying 2 Days and 16 hours Remaining now! Cool. I will have a new Linux Box in a couple of days.

I have changed back to my old ways again. Not in the sense that I am doing things I used to do. Okay, so none of that makes any sense whatsoever. I have been writing a lot lately. I have written almost 10 pages of things in the past day or two. Just simple things. Accounts of my daily life, what I have been thinking, what I believe and do not believe. Almost a journal in a way, but for some reason it seem different to me. I could probably post all of this stuff in my journal here, but to me it just wouldn’t seem the same, even though it would probably look like anyone of my other journals. (which lately haven’t been looking like much) I want to start doing more for the aumnibus. I just feel this need to do more with it. I think it is because deep down inside I really like to do that kind of work. Maybe I can start doing the layout. It looks like it wouldn’t take that much to learn, but it is also a very time consuming job. Something I think I need a task to do like that. Look at me, I am rambling. Must find something to do… Must find something to do…
I
M
U
S
T…
Possibly write more in my notebook. Yes, that’s it, write more in my notebook.

Everytime I am in the Aumnibus room I always end up reading the letter from Stephany to Adam. It is possibly the most fucked up (yet original and creative) love letter(?) I have ever read. For those of you who have not seen it, here it is in its entirety without the lovely sketch at the top.

Wow, it never occured to me that our relationship is so similar to that of a black wido spider and her mate! I’ve never told you this but sometimes after sex, I want to decapitate you and lay eggs on your still twitching headless carcass. I hope we stay together forever.
Love Steph

How sweet. I think

You are seeking an affectionate relationship, offering fulfillment and happiness. You are capable of powerful emotional enthusiasm. Deep down, you are a kind loving person, always helpful and willing to adapt yourself if necessary to realise the bond of affection that you desire. But you need the same consideration and understanding from others…and it is this need that sometimes will hold you back … so let go - trust and you may pleasantly surprised at what happens …

You are a leader in every sense of the word. You know where you are going and you know what you need to do in order to get there. You exercise an inherent initiative in overcoming obstacles and difficulties. You either hold or wish to achieve a position of authority in authority by means of which full control can be exerted over events.

We are all conditioned by our environment…and as such we respond to peoples perception of ourselves…but you feel that conditions are not right at this time…You are experiencing certain reservations that are precluding you to develop a particular relationship, business-wise or personal, that is being offered…It is ‘make your mind up time’…The decision is all yours… but whatever decision you make…it will be the right one.

As of late, you have been experiencing untold stress .. and this is a result of continuous frustration … You haven’t been taking care of all your physical needs… and it’s beginning to show. It would seem that you have a need to find someone to whom you can really relate … someone perhaps whose standards are as high as your own. You want to be different …. to be individualistic … to stand out from the common herd. Your inherent control of your sensual instincts is restricting your ability to give yourself to open up freely…. but this, being on your own, this being lonely ..often makes you feel the need to give up some of your strict standards to surrender to the general flow - to be like everyone else; a part of the herd. Deep down you regard such instincts as weaknesses to be overcome. You would like to be loved or admired for yourself alone. You demand recognition and tender loving care.

You have so many ideas that you would like to revitalise but you need to realise a stable and peaceful condition to do so. Once you can free yourself from all the aggravation and tension around you, you will make strides that may amaze you. You will not be prevented from achieving all the things you so desire..

Try it