When working on a car one has ample time to think. Thinking has never been a good thing for me, as it tends to make me depressed. This was especially true today. I feel like it would be better if I couldn’t think, or at least not have the mentality to let my mind wonder into so many different places.
While I was cleaning the head block manifold of my car today, my mind started to wonder. I started to shave the small bits and pieces of the gasket off of the cylinder head and I got to thinking about Lynne. Normally this is all right. I think about what she has been up to, and I call her that night to see how she has been, we can talk for hours about nothing. But for some reason today was different. Very different.
You see, normally around this time of year, she comes into town for a few days and we get to spend an entire day together, Christmas shopping, going out to eat, catching up on the times. This year, however, she was too busy, so she came in to town for Thanksgiving, and left the same day. It made me think if I was losing her as a friend. I still consider her to be the one that got away. If only she understood the way I feel about her, if only she wasn’t so busy. If only I would have said something earlier. Now it is too late. Like sand, I tried to hold her too tightly and she slipped through my fingers, if only I would have been gentle with her.
After thinking about her I started to think about all of the other girls I have at one time loved. Laura came into my mind. She knew how I felt, but circumstances separated us. I don’t know if she feels the same way about me anymore, but I am sure she has moved on. I still see her now and again, and I want so badly to go up to her and just have a casual conversation, but I never manage to get up enough confidence to do so.
Once I thought about the people in my life who I have been separated from I got to thinking about the friends in my life now, and how I feel like I am losing them as well. I haven’t talked to Josh in a long time, and it seems as if I never talk to Joseph anymore. I have talked to Michelle lately, and I am glad I did. I still like Michelle but at the moment she wants nothing to do with relationships of any kind.
I need someone to talk to tonight. I feel like I have locked myself into a small dark room inside of my head. If I keep this up, a downward spiral is inevitable.
Posts Tagged: josh
26
Nov 01
Downward Spiral
19
Sep 01
Thank you
Thank goodness one of our friends has come back to us. Josh, even though you are still a jackass you know we can’t live without your damn comments on your journal!
25
Jul 01
Daily Grind
This is more of a daily grind for a few days put together so just bare with me on this one. Two nights ago Fish, Bret, and I did a little backyard wrestling thing. We didn’t know what we were doing but we got it all on tape and a lot of it was hilarious. “Crusty’s ‘re cool!” Anyway, I had to work that day earlier, Damn, it was a bitch.. I worked 10 hours straight! It is okay, I made really good tips. So the next day I don’t have to work and I have nothing to do all day. I just kinda mope around until something happens to me. I hate days like that. I even wish that Fall Semester had started. I don’t know why, I guess just because it would bring routine back into my life. And my social life always seems to get better when I am at school. I have more dates and meet a lot more people then too. And anyhow, that night I went out with Bret, Josh, and Joseph. I don’t know what the hell we were doing. We just had this crazy idea that we were going to shoot promotionals for the BWF. THAT DID NOT HAPPEN, instead I got some good footage of everyday happenings. You know, eating, talking, and driving in a car. Although I tried to make it look cinematic, it didn’t work. just a waste of tape. And now for today. My mom called me today while I was asleep. It was about my State Job. I have finally gotten it, and I just have to fill out the paper work. So now, I have 2 jobs. Anyhow, I went outside to try to fix my muffler on my car, it was hanging down kinda low, so I was trying to put it up in a normal post ion. When I got back in I noticed an IM from Ashley. I thought it was weird, until I noticed my phone which had a call from her. I tried calling her back, but she was on the Internet. I don’t know how I feel about that right now. Her calling me brought up a lot of bad feelings and worse memories. I guess I will just have to try to call her. I want to be her friend. And I have talked to Seth a couple of times. Most of those times weren’t very productive, but I now know that I can have a full conversation with him without either one of use killing each other. Anyhow. That was about it for these few days. I have to go to work later today. Hopefully I will make a lot of tips. I need the money bad.